To Marc
You’ve been gone for such a long, long time.
I barely view the memory, of you here in my mind.
You were my hero, my star, my idle,
I wanted so much to be like you.
Now when I try to see your face,
You no longer come into view.
In all the years that have past, I saw you everywhere,
As I walked through the mall, in a store or down the street,
I saw your face on every stranger, mostly big and burly men.
I thought maybe you’d come back or you really hadn’t gone.
But then I know the way you left, you would not be coming back.
And that I should not come along.
Twenty-five years have come, now gone, and you would be proud,
I haven’t cried too many tears. A lesson you taught, I learned.
You held me down, with forceful fists, yelling "real men never cry".
You told me strength was in the man,
the one who never feared, any toil, or pain or heart-ache.
I have since learned those lesson and the reasons why.
I know our lives were not much fun,
Filled with hunger, abuse and pain.
I grew up in the shadows of a man
who’s love I could not gain.
You said I was a fag, a sissy, and yes, even a queer.
I did my best against your fists, not to shed a tear.
So proud was I, to prove you wrong,
I married, I have a child, but my desires were so strong.
I covered them with alcohol, to make it through my day.
I didn’t want to lose my wife, not wanting to be gay.
I hid my life, my wants, my dreams, just for your approval.
Never knowing how this all would end, only living with upheaval.
As I look back, I look for you, but I would not change a thing.
If not for you, your rugged strength
I may not have made it through,
These doors of life which opened in sorrow,
Then closed with so much pain.
We both lost, much of life, yet I still have so much to gain.
You were a man of no nonsense, hard work and grease filled hands,
A wife, a life, a family, a mechanic was your plan.
You did the best with what you had, big talk with strength to back it,
You never lost a single fight, you proved a rough, tough man.
I was inspired by your strength and always much in awe,
I saw you the perfect man in you, showing little human flaws.
Forgetting all the strides you made, forgetting all you’d gained,
Remembering the past you lived, remembering the pain.
Not able to let go the hurt, more confidence you needed,
At times life’s more than a strong man can handle, you walked away defeated.
There is not a single word I’d say, that would have made your life much better,
Your actions took us by surprise, no farewells, no letter.
I spoke with Ma, the other day,
We talked of when you left,
She said it was all a big mistake, then blamed a faulty gun.
I told her it was no ones fault, not hers, your wife, or son’s.
She disagrees to blame someone, fault has to lie somewhere,
Maybe it is with your widow, Ma says she didn’t care.
I’ve wanted so many times to talk, alone with your son,
To tell him of the things I know, good things that you had done.
But knowing he is far to old, for any past to matter.
I keep my silence and my distance, for fear I’d make him sadder.
25 years ago this day you left, your family, your child, your wife.
It was you, and you alone, who’s gun ended your life.
My brother, sometimes I wish that you were here,
just to see how our lives turned out.
I have a granddaughter in my life, she brightens up my day
It will not matter to this child, that her grandpa is gay.
I no longer hide, nor drink, nor fear, about what’s in our future,
For it is love and love alone, which bring us all much closer.
I can not change what the past has damaged,
Nor the lives which we were dealt,
All I can do is share my hopes, my fears, my dreams
With some emotions I have felt.
You know big brother that sadness and pain lesson with time,
While I will always miss you and losing you, your death no longer hurts my mind.
Love,
your younger brother,
Tarl -
re-written on January 6 2007
